Monday, April 13, 2009

Can't make lemonade

lemonade Pictures, Images and Photos

Normally in life I am not a worrier...I don't get upset easily, and I don't stress over much. My life philosophy is if I don't like something I change it, if I can't change it then it's out of my hands and I'm free of it, it is not mine to worry about since worrying won't fix it, so why do it. The only thing I haven't been able to apply this philosophy to is, death and conflicts. I absolutely HATE conflict. When I know I have to confront someone or there will be a conflict it eats and my stomach and makes me so nervous and anxious its unbareable. Death I think it's pretty obvious why I just can't blow that one off and be ok about it, as a Christian maybe I should be stronger when it comes to death, but I'm not...

Well, right now I am dealing with the 2 lemons in my life that I've never quite figured out how to make into lemonade

Conflict: In a few hours I will be calling the school to make an appointment w/ the principal to discuss the bullying issue with Isaiah...my stomach is in knots...I hate this, I try so hard to avoid drama and crap like this...but I have to stick up for my son, no one else will, that is my job as a parent to defend this child at all cost, no matter how much sleep I lose and how much my stomach turns.

and

Death: My little brother has taken a turn for the worse. He is VERY tired, and has stopped breathing on numerous occasions now, and seems to be having some small seizures. I'm so horrified that I won't be able to see him one last time, I NEED to see him one last time. I need those memories, I need him to have some recent memories of me. He's my only sibling, I waited 21 years for him...all I ever wanted was a sibling to share that piece of myself that no one else shares...he completes a piece of me...it's so weird, my whole life i hated being an only child...I always felt a void in my heart...and since the moment he was a tiny little embryo, that void was filled. I love that child so much it hurts...and the thought of him leaving me without one last chance for memories and hugs, is more than I can bear...so all I can do is pray right now, and ask others for prayers too...right now the airline tickets are far too expensive for even just me and Tierra to fly down...so I'm praying that things will fall in line with airlines, and time off from both mine and Rob's jobs and Matt's health to not decline too far before it is able to work out, if I knew I had months I know I could pull it off, but it could be just weeks we really don't know...the next time I see him can't be at his funeral, it just can't.

5 comments:

Heather said...

on the bullying thing- just stay tough and follow through w/what your heart is telling you to do- corny, i know lol. i hate conflict as well so i know exactly what you are feeling!

on your brother- i am so sorry to hear this! I wish I had the words to make it all better but I don't- just know that you and your brother and your whole family are in my thoughts (((hugs)))

Cindy said...

(((Michelle))) I wish that I had more to offer you because if I could I would. I will says prayers that your brother is not suffering, and that you can get to see him before he passes.

As for the school, I have gotten much better at standing up for my kids, I just wish that I could stand up for myself.

Bridgett said...

Thinking of you, my friend.
I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.

{{{Michelle}}}

Christina said...

(((Michelle))) I am sorry that you are having a rough time right now. Good luck with the bullying and I am thinking about you!

clauren said...

New to your blog, my prayers are with you. Cass