Sunday, January 25, 2009

I don't have it in me...to raise a special needs kid

I can remember reading all these poems about how strong, parents of special needs children are...how they are hand picked by God because of what great parents they are and because He knows only THEY have what it takes to raise these children...

And here I sit, not having what it takes, not having the strength...I am spent... I am exhausted. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired. I'm done. I want a normal life. I want to drive a car that doesn't have over 150,000 miles on it...but I can't because all my money will always go for medical bills. I want one holiday, one get together, one party, with out a melt down. I want my daughter to be able to have her friends over without her brother screaming outside her door the whole time... I want my kids to come home from school and tell me how wonderful their day was, and not have my heart broken every time because once again my child is crushed because he didn't get chosen.

I use to be so strong, I use to be one of those moms that could "do it all" now I don't have the energy to even get in the shower some days. I watched a show on survivors the other day, and what kind of people would live in a disaster, and I saw someone that I USE to be...but that person is gone, and it saddens me...I barely have enough energy to live anymore...much less carry the weight of an entire family on my shoulders too. Part of me wants to call it quits and put him in a home...although I would never do it, sometimes when I'm so exhausted I'm afraid I don't even have enough energy to love him. These are all the horrible things that we don't say out loud, but I've got to get out, and tomorrow I may feel better and may delete this whole thing...but right now I just need to ramble...I'm tired, I don't want to do this anymore. I want a normal life with normal children, I know life isn't easy but it can't be this hard, this is unbearable and inhuman for a mother to live like this.

8 comments:

Domestic Superhero said...

I've thought quite often, that "Holland" smells like dog crap. I don't believe that heroes always feel like heroes; they don't always feel brave, or strong, or energized or even capable. We know that you are though, despite being human and feeling tired and spent. ((((hugs))))

Heather said...

If a mom of a special-needs kid said she never had these feelings she would be outright lying. We're human. We're not saints or martyrs. We didnt' choose this. Honestly, all of us would MUCH rather have our child be "typical"- as much as for them as for ourselves. BIG HUGS!!!! Check out my blog- I'm gonna go post a diary entry that I wrote a year ago- you reminded me of it...

Maddy said...

We all know that exhaustion. It's the exhaustion that parents feel about three weeks in, after they bring their first new born home. They [we] think we'll never survive. They [we] think, 'how come nobody told me that I'd be sleepless forever, I'll never manage to do this!'

The difference for us [I think] is that we do this for years, not weeks.

This is why for me, it is essential to have a break. Yes, I know, easier said than done. Other people have friends and family who can step in or take over for an hour or two and sometimes a whole weekend.

Since our children arrived we have never had so much as a day off. [although now they're all at school that makes a huge difference]

I can't remember quite when it was, but I do remember realizing that I needed help and I ploped myself on the waiting list for Respite Care. It took a long time but eventually we were accepted.

Even after that it took dozens' of interviews until we could find even someone willing to take on two.

Because the majority were ......less than I would have wished for, I restricted my jaunts to night time, their bed time so all the baby sitter had to do was remove them all from the house in the case of fire or any other disaster.

Going out at 8 or 9 at night when you're exhausted probably isn't a very attractive option, but I booked the sitter and once a week I would go out on my own.

I remember once driving half a mile down the road to the local supermarket carpark, setting the timer for two and a half hours and promptly fell asleep.

But I digress and ramble as usual, I just wanted you to know that I understand.......not that it helps much.
Best wishes

Christina said...

((Michelle)) I have had some of feelings too and I don't have a special needs child. It's the exhaustion talking...is there anyway you can get a little time to yourself to rest and renew?

Liam said...

Everytime someone sends me the Holland story I immediately fire back the "Schmolland" story...

http://groups.msn.com/TheAutismHomePage/schmolland.msnw

Best line of it:

“Are they kidding? We are not in some peaceful countryside dotted with windmills. We are in a country under siege -- dodging bombs, trying to board overloaded helicopters, bribing officials -- all the while thinking, What happened to our beautiful life?”

You're not alone ma'am... we're right there with you... What happened to our beautiful life?

Joey's Mama said...

My 4 year old has autism as well and I've felt the same way many many times. He is my only child that I had to wait years and years for after being told I'd never had any, and sometimes I just have to wonder "why??". Why does everything have to be so hard for us? Even on our worst day, I love him with all of my heart and don't regret a single thing. But at times I feel like the worst mom ever and that he deserves someone better than me for his mom. Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand. My blog is not very active but I do post from time to time things that I can't say to people in person for fear of sounding like a rotten mom!!

Carol

Holly said...

((((Michelle))) I sat here nodding my head through much of this. Just know you are not alone or a terrible person for feeling the way you do. We are all human and entitled to feel like you are feeling right now. I had a very dark day a couple weeks ago but the next day I just tried to put things into perspective and see it all differently. We are bound to have *those days though. Have you looked into a respite program?

Kathryn said...

Amen Sister! Your post spoke to me in so many ways. Maybe because your raw feelings are mine as well. I'll go weeks where I think everything is fine - my son is great, we are dealing with everything correctly. Then something happens - maybe he has an "autistic" fit, or one of my other children are feeling slighted - I spend too much time with legoboy, or I suddenly look around my house and wonder why I can't keep it up anymore. Everyone else can. My friends work outside the home, they have kids and a husband and their homes look tidy - not like a small bomb was set off. And I remember...They don't have an one child who has ADHD child, another one thathas profound hearing loss, speech apraxia and aspergers, and another one who is just trying to be heard above all the noise. And then I feel guilty for complaining, for having these thoughts. But why shouldn't I...they are true. My "life" is a more difficult than some of my friends, and I know that there are others who have it much more difficult than I do. Sometimes I want to leave a note "I quit", get in my car and drive away - anywhere. Even just for a day - to not be a mom or a wife. To have someone take care of me - because the thought that I might always have to care for this child forever in every sense of the word - can seem so frightening and so lonely. But I would also never, ever trade it for anything. Is it hard, you bet but he also can bring me the most joy out of all my kids. And I am so thankful that I have all 3 of my kids - cause sometimes I feel sorry for my friends - their lives can seem so boring without all the "drama" I have :)
And it helps so much to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these thoughts.
And please, please excuse my ramblings.....and hopefully they make some sense (((hugs)))